Thanks and confused

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented for your reassuring words. It really does help.

I’m utterly confused. Today I went in and it seemed there were many (many more than there had been) little follicles, and no big ones! What is going on, and how are the [slightly] larger follicles that we measured in the past gone? I’m confused and frustrated. But J and I made a friend at monitoring. There’s a woman there who commented how we were always so upbeat. So we got to chatting every time we see each other. She’s pretty reassuring too, she has one daughter, a 4 year old, through IVF. She told us about acupuncture today, and how it’s helped her remain calmer throughout this cycle. J and I are thinking about doing it, because really, why not?

Waiting for a call from the RE nurses. Let’s see what they say.

Advertisements

Guilt

I don’t know if this is universal, although I can’t imagine it’s just me. I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about putting J through all this. The early mornings, the running to pick up meds last minute… everything. And most of all for making it so difficult to have a baby. As of right now it is likely just me and my lack of ovulating that’s stopping us, and I just feel as though I’m holding something back from him. He of course has explicitly told me he doesn’t feel this way, but the guilt is definitely still there. As I write this I have a lump in my throat. Not sure what the sudden sadness is about.

In other news they upped me to 2 menopur vials. I have to go back in tomorrow to be monitored again. It isn’t really a good day for it as I have to be at work early and I’m going straight to J’s graduation in the evening. But, you don’t get much of a choice in this game.

Can’t remember the day

I literally can’t even recall what number day this is on menopur.Tuesday night was the 5th day on 100iu of menopur. Before that we did 8 at 75iu.Today will be 15 days on menopur. We went in for monitoring today, after being really disheartened that nothing was happening on Tuesday. I tried to catch a glimpse of the screen, but they don’t make it easy. I noticed one follicle was 1.12cm. Hey, that’s bigger than anything we’ve seen yet this cycle. So it’s something. They told us to come back in Sunday. I can’t even explain how such seemingly tiny information has made my mood so much better. Here’s to hoping the growing continues 🙂

The Little Follicles That Couldn’t

That’s what I’ve named the follicles on the way home this morning. I’m extremely frustrated. At this point I’ve been on menopur for 12 days. 8 at 75iu and now 4 at 100iu. The ultrasound was extremely uncomfortable bordering on painful this morning because I was extremely constipated. She couldn’t even locate my ovaries easily. I usually try to see the measurements but the angle of the screen wasn’t good today so I didn’t get a read. The sonographer just said they’re really small. I’m nervous about what happens if this just doesn’t work. I don’t really know where you’d go from there. And icing on the cake, I have renewed anxiety about finances as J graduates and the job offer he wanted comes with less money than we had anticipated.

Overall, frustrating morning and a day of work ahead. I hope they up my dosage so that this ridiculous process of getting 1/3 of menopur out can be done with.

Mother’s Day

Today’s been hard. My mother in law posts happy mother’s day to my sisters in law. It feels like she’s rubbing it in. J just says, maybe stupidly, she doesn’t even know that we’re not trying to prevent it. It’s just hard all around. I was at my mother and all was fine, then my stepbrother, their wife and baby show up and i just can’t handle it. We left pretty soon after. Just in a bad mood. And my sister lost a ton of weight and I’m still struggling with the probably near 20 pounds I put on in the last 8 months.

And apparently J’s brother and baby went to my in laws and they all went out to eat. No invite. Whatever….

Added bonus, this dose of menopur is ridiculous. The amount of pressure it creates to squeeze 3cc into a syringe and then mix that with one vial of menopur is crazy. It squirted everywhere when we were trying to mix. It was pretty comical as it happened, but from my point of view right now, everything is shitty.

Damn mother’s day and insensitive, unthinking people.

All Over The Place

My emotions are all over the place. I had a crying fit. J was right though, I was ‘blaming’ him for thinking that I wasn’t on top of things, when really that’s how I was feeling. I feel like the apartment is a wreck, I’ve procrastinated on the schoolwork I have to take care of and nothing feels in order.

And I wish I had a real life IF friend. I do, sort of, but we don’t talk about it. So, it doesn’t really count. I’m just frustrated.

Dose Increased!!

Oddly, I’m happy about this, but the nurse called and said the RE decided to up my dose to 1 and 1/3 vials of menopur. So, I’m happy because at least this is more proactive, but annoyed because those 2/3 of a vial are going to waste. Can’t win em all I guess.

Now I really should get to work. I have a paper due Wednesday and have been procrastinating for too long.

Hello world!

My first blog as an adult. Never thought I’d come back to this, since I had one as a tween and it’s forever associated with that stage. But after going to be monitored at the RE this (early!) morning, I’m frustrated. And I needed to get it out. And also document what I’m up to, because I’m starting to forget and this is only the first time I’m doing this (and hopefully last :-/ )

So I started the menopur injections 8 days ago. Went in after 5 days and there were almost no visible follicles. They told me to continue for 3 more days and come in again (today.) They hardly grew, if at all. I’m just starting to get antsy.

I’m also not really sure how this is ever going to happen. My RE is aiming for one follicle to mature. But the drugs don’t discriminate. I don’t see how we’re ever going to get just 1 or 2. And canceling the cycle just seems like such a waste of time, effort, energy and money. Funny how I’m already focused on canceling because of too many when we can’t even get the little buggers to grow.

On the plus side, I really love the RE’s office and staff and needles are no big deal. We’re really getting the hang of mixing and injecting, it’s become pretty seamless. Thank goodness for the small things. Now I just wait for a call from the RE. I kinda hope that they up the dose, though they forewarned us during the injectable training class not to get frustrated when they don’t.