Trigger Day!

I feel super anxious, excited and very mixed! But, we’re finally triggering today! Ah! Can’t believe it, it’s been so long.

I feel overwhelmed. EEK

Advertisements

Almost there?

So after the nurse who called on Friday sounded outrageously optimistic, we went in today for monitoring and there’s one follice that’s 16 and change. I feel like that’s still on the smaller side relative to what other people have been mentioning, but they told me that on menopur they look for 17. So I’m not sure. I’m nervous they’ll have me trigger too early. And then all this 4.5 weeks on meds will have been a waste. I really want this to work. I’m so tired of it.

On the other hand I’m so happy we’re seeing some change. I was so nervous that this wouldn’t work and I would be screwed. Because no follicles then no trying anything more intense if (hopefully not but) we would get to that point. So that’s a plus.

Just hoping and praying this all goes smoothly and well 🙂

Moods

I didn’t add this when I posted earlier, but I woke up on (or didn’t wake up, but got out of) the wrong side of the bed. I was frustrated before the day even started. And I know it. I wasn’t huggy after the sono either, even though it wasn’t great news. J and I were pretty much avoiding each other when we got back. Then I finally asked if we were going out, and he started crying. I feel terrible. He said I look like death when I’m in a bad mood and I didn’t even give the day a chance. Then he feels shitty for saying anything because I’m the one dealing with all the IF stuff. So he got that all out, I told him he can still be angry at me regardless. And we’re on precarious, but okay footing right now. I hate that this stuff messes with us.

AHHHHH

Thursday will be 4 weeks. And today I heard the same thing I have been hearing. “Nothing looks very big.” I’m going to scream. This is after 4 days on 2.5 vials of menopur.

In other news, a couple friend of ours has obviously been going through IF, and we speculated about what was going on but never said anything. Friday we had an open conversation about it, and it’s been pretty nice to have someone know about what’s going on, since no one does at this point.

I know I’m bouncing around but, I’m exhausted, which is likely why. I haven’t slept in a couple of nights, it feels like not at all. I don’t know what to do with myself and I have so much work to take care of.

And I’m constipated. I was in such a bad mood going in for monitoring today because of it. I can’t.

I need a break.

Thanks and confused

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented for your reassuring words. It really does help.

I’m utterly confused. Today I went in and it seemed there were many (many more than there had been) little follicles, and no big ones! What is going on, and how are the [slightly] larger follicles that we measured in the past gone? I’m confused and frustrated. But J and I made a friend at monitoring. There’s a woman there who commented how we were always so upbeat. So we got to chatting every time we see each other. She’s pretty reassuring too, she has one daughter, a 4 year old, through IVF. She told us about acupuncture today, and how it’s helped her remain calmer throughout this cycle. J and I are thinking about doing it, because really, why not?

Waiting for a call from the RE nurses. Let’s see what they say.

This is ridiculous

I just got back from monitoring and I’m ready to be done with this. It’s been 3 weeks of injections and they ‘larger’ ones they measured last time weren’t even there today – not even sure what that means. Did someone mismeasure? I guess so. I’m beyond frustrated. Started crying when I got home. I’m gaining weight, read a whole thing yesterday about how you’re not supposed to work out, which I have been and that’s not even helping. I’m bigger than I ever was. I’m always constipated. I’m having a hard time getting a deep breath (I believe this ones anxiety.) I just want to be done with this cycle and take a break. I need to get back to myself.

AHHHHHHHH

That’s exactly how I feel. Like I just need to scream at the top of my lungs.

J is so sweet though, he disappeared when we got home and came back with a gift he had been holding. This beautiful ring, he said he was saving it and now seemed like a good time. That’s when I started crying.

I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Slow and steady

Went in yesterday for US, and asked the tech to break it down for me. Basically, it’s moving at a snails pace but theres two larger follicles, one 13 and one 11. So they have me on 2 vials a night and going back in Thursday. Really hope that’s that, because this is just starting to drain me.

Guilt

I don’t know if this is universal, although I can’t imagine it’s just me. I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about putting J through all this. The early mornings, the running to pick up meds last minute… everything. And most of all for making it so difficult to have a baby. As of right now it is likely just me and my lack of ovulating that’s stopping us, and I just feel as though I’m holding something back from him. He of course has explicitly told me he doesn’t feel this way, but the guilt is definitely still there. As I write this I have a lump in my throat. Not sure what the sudden sadness is about.

In other news they upped me to 2 menopur vials. I have to go back in tomorrow to be monitored again. It isn’t really a good day for it as I have to be at work early and I’m going straight to J’s graduation in the evening. But, you don’t get much of a choice in this game.

Does she really know?

So just some random things:

First of all, I’m trying to eat more healthfully. Staying away from fake sugars and soda, drinking more water etc. It’s been going well, I was pretty addicted to coffee so it’s been hard. I figure it’s good practice.

Next, I’ve had this really strong, dull ache where I assume my ovaries are for the past 2 days. It’s pretty uncomfortable and hard to ignore. Don’t know if that’s normal or not…

Went in for monitoring this morning. It was packed. More packed then I had ever seen the place. And this is on a Sunday! Then, a couple with what must have been a 1-2 year old baby comes in. I think it’s quite odd to bring a baby to an IF center during monitoring hours.

The sonographer said everything looks really small and maybe I’m responding very slowly. I hope she just doesn’t realize that we’re not doing IVF, and so she’s thinking I should have many more larger ones, instead of just 1. Wishful thinking I think, because I’m starting to get pretty worn out. And I’m pretty uncomfortable when they do the ultrasounds, because, as the tech said today, “You’re pretty gassy” (commenting on my insides, meaning it’s hard to see my ovaries with, I’m assuming, my intestines in the way or something). Story of my life, and I think made worse by the meds – my whole digestive system is dysregulated.

I’m trying to lose weight, since I gained a bunch the past couple of months, but J was so sweet after I was disheartened this morning and he bought me a muffin. I might just eat it because of how thoughtful he was.