All the other things

So, with my new focus on… well, other things, I’m really trying. And I’ve been successful on some fronts, and totally unsuccessful on others. I have gone to the gym the past three days and been eating healthfully since Monday. Longest streak I’ve had in a while. I’m actually currently making quinoa for the first time right now!

On the other hand, I feel so overwhelmed by work and school I actually feel like I’m physically choking. And of course, I can’t bring myself to start or address any of it. I don’t know if my expectations of myself are unrealistic (that I should be working on my dissertation, 2 new research projects and editing a paper, as well as maintaining all paperwork at work and working on an extensive report.) It’s a lot. But I’m upset that I haven’t been addressing anything. Maybe I need to minimize my goals. I think I’ll try to say that I’ll address one or two of those things a week. Then put it aside and work on 2 other things the following week. Okay deal.

Then this week what I’ve done is:

Update client charts. Some were really outdated. I’ve updated them. I’ve also spent a good deal of time trying to reach some of them. That should count

Second, I worked on my dissertation a little. Put together some of the materials I need, and started working on the demographics questionnaire.

I will:

Follow up with my advisor about moving forward with the administrative paperwork.

Send him the demographics questionnaire by tomorrow? Maybe. Sunday/Monday is more realistic.

This is great for organizing my mind and lowering anxiety. In other exciting news, we haven’t fully moved in or decorated yet – and we got some canvases I ordered and hung em up today! Our bedroom is starting to look like someone lives here!

Advertisements

Gym

Well, now that I don’t have to worry about exercising and eating artificial sweeteners, I’m back to dieting because this 2.5 month cycle has resulted in massive weight gain. I won’t weigh myself until AF ends but I’m scared to see that number.

Went in for blood and ultrasound yesterday and the nurse called to let us know that we would have to wait a little before starting again because I have a cyst. Which works out anyways because J is taking a licensing exam soon and wants to focus on preparing and then we want to go on vacation. Basically they said we can come back in whenever. I’m less hopeful in the short term. Essentially we can try once more when we get back from vacation, around mid-August, and then we’d have to take an extended break. I’m working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology and there are times throughout this process that it would be very nearly impossible to have a baby. And so we’d have to wait a little until I get over some hurdles before we can try again. And so I’ve somewhat mentally accepted that it may be a good year and half before we can start trying again in earnest. In the meanwhile I’ve revised my plan to get fit again. I was in really good shape when we got married 2 years ago and it’s been a slow decline with the fertility drugs adding the icing on the cake. So new goal: get fit.

I have to say, I myself am shocked at my neutral/good mood. AF came early and shockingly (I don’t get periods on my own…). And still I don’t know what it is but I feel able to move and not dwell. Thank you gd. LOL

11dpo

Still waiting and it’s feeling like forever. Today was eventful though, been having cramps and noticed some blood today. From what I’ve googled, that seems too early to be AF and so I’m hoping, hoping, hoping it’s implantation bleeding. Feeling very crampy and gassy right now. Ugh.

Test day can’t come soon enough. I want that positive so badly !!!

This is ridiculous

I just got back from monitoring and I’m ready to be done with this. It’s been 3 weeks of injections and they ‘larger’ ones they measured last time weren’t even there today – not even sure what that means. Did someone mismeasure? I guess so. I’m beyond frustrated. Started crying when I got home. I’m gaining weight, read a whole thing yesterday about how you’re not supposed to work out, which I have been and that’s not even helping. I’m bigger than I ever was. I’m always constipated. I’m having a hard time getting a deep breath (I believe this ones anxiety.) I just want to be done with this cycle and take a break. I need to get back to myself.

AHHHHHHHH

That’s exactly how I feel. Like I just need to scream at the top of my lungs.

J is so sweet though, he disappeared when we got home and came back with a gift he had been holding. This beautiful ring, he said he was saving it and now seemed like a good time. That’s when I started crying.

I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Slow and steady

Went in yesterday for US, and asked the tech to break it down for me. Basically, it’s moving at a snails pace but theres two larger follicles, one 13 and one 11. So they have me on 2 vials a night and going back in Thursday. Really hope that’s that, because this is just starting to drain me.

Does she really know?

So just some random things:

First of all, I’m trying to eat more healthfully. Staying away from fake sugars and soda, drinking more water etc. It’s been going well, I was pretty addicted to coffee so it’s been hard. I figure it’s good practice.

Next, I’ve had this really strong, dull ache where I assume my ovaries are for the past 2 days. It’s pretty uncomfortable and hard to ignore. Don’t know if that’s normal or not…

Went in for monitoring this morning. It was packed. More packed then I had ever seen the place. And this is on a Sunday! Then, a couple with what must have been a 1-2 year old baby comes in. I think it’s quite odd to bring a baby to an IF center during monitoring hours.

The sonographer said everything looks really small and maybe I’m responding very slowly. I hope she just doesn’t realize that we’re not doing IVF, and so she’s thinking I should have many more larger ones, instead of just 1. Wishful thinking I think, because I’m starting to get pretty worn out. And I’m pretty uncomfortable when they do the ultrasounds, because, as the tech said today, “You’re pretty gassy” (commenting on my insides, meaning it’s hard to see my ovaries with, I’m assuming, my intestines in the way or something). Story of my life, and I think made worse by the meds – my whole digestive system is dysregulated.

I’m trying to lose weight, since I gained a bunch the past couple of months, but J was so sweet after I was disheartened this morning and he bought me a muffin. I might just eat it because of how thoughtful he was.