6dpo

I don’t even understand how it’s only 6 days. This feels like a lifetime. Between constantly thinking about this I have a big presentation coming up that I can’t stop worrying about. Seriously all consuming. I don’t know what to do with myself. Time needs to move a little faster. Why do I feel like time flies when it’s just a regular week but now, when I need it to feel quick, it feels as though each day is a year.

On a different note, we moved about 5 months ago and still haven’t bought a washer dryer. They’re really expensive and we just don’t have that extra cash floating around so we’ve been getting by with doing a load here and there by our parents, or letting it accumulate a lot….I mentioned it in passing that we couldn’t get one right now around my mother and aunt, and my mom called me later and say she and my stepdad are gonna buy us one!! I can’t get over it. 🙂 🙂

Left Behind

I feel very left behind today. My sister and sister in law on my side, and my two sisters in law on J’s side all have had their first child in the past year or so. Everything is focused on them in the family and I’m constantly reminded of it. I just feel down. And that’s not going to change once we have a child, we’re always going to be somewhat behind. There’s no real solution to this, I’m just upset by it sometimes.

The progesterone side effects have lessened. It’s still slightly noticeable but definitely better than yesterday.

I feel really overwhelmed between school/work. There’s just so much to do and so much of it that’s self directed for which I have no patience or motivation.

Feeling very negative about the 2ww outcome and still so long to go.

But something funny that popped into my head:

#IFproblems When you’re visiting with your in laws over the weekend and need to refrigerate your progesterone. 😀

Symptoms

I started the progesterone suppositories last night and it was interesting. It went fine, but I got very anxious right before. Very soon after I started feeling crampy, and that’s gotten worse today. I basically feel the way I do on my period. It’s really uncomfortable, makes me want to do nothing all day and the bad weather isn’t helping. I feel extremely overwhelmed with all the projects I have going on, and feel like it never stops. I really want a vacation.

About the crampy, period feeling – is that normal? Is that the progesterone?

3 days post

I just feel lonely. I wish I had a friend to complain about the 2ww (that literally only started today)… But the only person I know going through something similar is very closed, doesn’t like to talk about it or be reminded of it. So I don’t have anyone.

It’s just hard. I wish I had a group of people to vent with. I feel like these 2 weeks are going to go by very slowly.

2 days post ovidrel

So a number of things. This morning I’m thinking to myself that I don’t feel anything. Being me, I search the depths of the internet about whether ovidrel can not work and that maybe it’s just not gonna happen for me. Fast forward to now. I’m sitting on the couch nauseous in a lot of pain on my left side (where the largest follicle was) at the point where I’d rather not speak or move more than I have to. Fine, it’s bad but it’s bearable, mainly if it’s worth it in the end. Butttt – the other thing that’s circling my mind…

Now this may be TMI for some prudes, but I don’t care. I need to be able to get this all out.

I didn’t really get when we were supposed to BD after the ovidrel shot. So from my point of view, more is just better. I recognize that I’ve been driving poor hubs insane about it. We had a lot of BDing the past few days (although the last time before today was yesterday around noon). Today, arguably the most important day, we’ve slacked off. We BD at like 11am but (and maybe this is my anxious self) I felt like there just wasn’t a lot of good stuff up in me after. So in my mind we didn’t even really do it. J says I’m insane. He had an event tonight and had to leave. Right before I made him try, being all anxious and rushing to go, it didn’t exactly go very smoothly and so at one point he’s just like I have to leave, we’ll try again later.

So here I am, alone, in pain, nauseous, on the couch. Worried that it’ll be our own fault if this doesn’t work.

Day after Ovidrel

I’m so jumpy and excited! Finally triggered. I’m so nervous, I want to make sure we do it enough times, I’m so nervous about missing ovulation. I’m driving J up a wall. Ahhhh. I’m getting too excited. I need to calm down.

We got J’s sperm results today and they look great. That was awesome news.

I can’t focus on anything else. How do I balance staying hopeful without going overboard, because I think I’m on that edge. Eeeek

Almost there?

So after the nurse who called on Friday sounded outrageously optimistic, we went in today for monitoring and there’s one follice that’s 16 and change. I feel like that’s still on the smaller side relative to what other people have been mentioning, but they told me that on menopur they look for 17. So I’m not sure. I’m nervous they’ll have me trigger too early. And then all this 4.5 weeks on meds will have been a waste. I really want this to work. I’m so tired of it.

On the other hand I’m so happy we’re seeing some change. I was so nervous that this wouldn’t work and I would be screwed. Because no follicles then no trying anything more intense if (hopefully not but) we would get to that point. So that’s a plus.

Just hoping and praying this all goes smoothly and well 🙂

Moods

I didn’t add this when I posted earlier, but I woke up on (or didn’t wake up, but got out of) the wrong side of the bed. I was frustrated before the day even started. And I know it. I wasn’t huggy after the sono either, even though it wasn’t great news. J and I were pretty much avoiding each other when we got back. Then I finally asked if we were going out, and he started crying. I feel terrible. He said I look like death when I’m in a bad mood and I didn’t even give the day a chance. Then he feels shitty for saying anything because I’m the one dealing with all the IF stuff. So he got that all out, I told him he can still be angry at me regardless. And we’re on precarious, but okay footing right now. I hate that this stuff messes with us.

AHHHHH

Thursday will be 4 weeks. And today I heard the same thing I have been hearing. “Nothing looks very big.” I’m going to scream. This is after 4 days on 2.5 vials of menopur.

In other news, a couple friend of ours has obviously been going through IF, and we speculated about what was going on but never said anything. Friday we had an open conversation about it, and it’s been pretty nice to have someone know about what’s going on, since no one does at this point.

I know I’m bouncing around but, I’m exhausted, which is likely why. I haven’t slept in a couple of nights, it feels like not at all. I don’t know what to do with myself and I have so much work to take care of.

And I’m constipated. I was in such a bad mood going in for monitoring today because of it. I can’t.

I need a break.