All the other things

So, with my new focus on… well, other things, I’m really trying. And I’ve been successful on some fronts, and totally unsuccessful on others. I have gone to the gym the past three days and been eating healthfully since Monday. Longest streak I’ve had in a while. I’m actually currently making quinoa for the first time right now!

On the other hand, I feel so overwhelmed by work and school I actually feel like I’m physically choking. And of course, I can’t bring myself to start or address any of it. I don’t know if my expectations of myself are unrealistic (that I should be working on my dissertation, 2 new research projects and editing a paper, as well as maintaining all paperwork at work and working on an extensive report.) It’s a lot. But I’m upset that I haven’t been addressing anything. Maybe I need to minimize my goals. I think I’ll try to say that I’ll address one or two of those things a week. Then put it aside and work on 2 other things the following week. Okay deal.

Then this week what I’ve done is:

Update client charts. Some were really outdated. I’ve updated them. I’ve also spent a good deal of time trying to reach some of them. That should count

Second, I worked on my dissertation a little. Put together some of the materials I need, and started working on the demographics questionnaire.

I will:

Follow up with my advisor about moving forward with the administrative paperwork.

Send him the demographics questionnaire by tomorrow? Maybe. Sunday/Monday is more realistic.

This is great for organizing my mind and lowering anxiety. In other exciting news, we haven’t fully moved in or decorated yet – and we got some canvases I ordered and hung em up today! Our bedroom is starting to look like someone lives here!

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Gym

Well, now that I don’t have to worry about exercising and eating artificial sweeteners, I’m back to dieting because this 2.5 month cycle has resulted in massive weight gain. I won’t weigh myself until AF ends but I’m scared to see that number.

Went in for blood and ultrasound yesterday and the nurse called to let us know that we would have to wait a little before starting again because I have a cyst. Which works out anyways because J is taking a licensing exam soon and wants to focus on preparing and then we want to go on vacation. Basically they said we can come back in whenever. I’m less hopeful in the short term. Essentially we can try once more when we get back from vacation, around mid-August, and then we’d have to take an extended break. I’m working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology and there are times throughout this process that it would be very nearly impossible to have a baby. And so we’d have to wait a little until I get over some hurdles before we can try again. And so I’ve somewhat mentally accepted that it may be a good year and half before we can start trying again in earnest. In the meanwhile I’ve revised my plan to get fit again. I was in really good shape when we got married 2 years ago and it’s been a slow decline with the fertility drugs adding the icing on the cake. So new goal: get fit.

I have to say, I myself am shocked at my neutral/good mood. AF came early and shockingly (I don’t get periods on my own…). And still I don’t know what it is but I feel able to move and not dwell. Thank you gd. LOL

11dpo

Still waiting and it’s feeling like forever. Today was eventful though, been having cramps and noticed some blood today. From what I’ve googled, that seems too early to be AF and so I’m hoping, hoping, hoping it’s implantation bleeding. Feeling very crampy and gassy right now. Ugh.

Test day can’t come soon enough. I want that positive so badly !!!

6dpo

I don’t even understand how it’s only 6 days. This feels like a lifetime. Between constantly thinking about this I have a big presentation coming up that I can’t stop worrying about. Seriously all consuming. I don’t know what to do with myself. Time needs to move a little faster. Why do I feel like time flies when it’s just a regular week but now, when I need it to feel quick, it feels as though each day is a year.

On a different note, we moved about 5 months ago and still haven’t bought a washer dryer. They’re really expensive and we just don’t have that extra cash floating around so we’ve been getting by with doing a load here and there by our parents, or letting it accumulate a lot….I mentioned it in passing that we couldn’t get one right now around my mother and aunt, and my mom called me later and say she and my stepdad are gonna buy us one!! I can’t get over it. 🙂 🙂

Left Behind

I feel very left behind today. My sister and sister in law on my side, and my two sisters in law on J’s side all have had their first child in the past year or so. Everything is focused on them in the family and I’m constantly reminded of it. I just feel down. And that’s not going to change once we have a child, we’re always going to be somewhat behind. There’s no real solution to this, I’m just upset by it sometimes.

The progesterone side effects have lessened. It’s still slightly noticeable but definitely better than yesterday.

I feel really overwhelmed between school/work. There’s just so much to do and so much of it that’s self directed for which I have no patience or motivation.

Feeling very negative about the 2ww outcome and still so long to go.

But something funny that popped into my head:

#IFproblems When you’re visiting with your in laws over the weekend and need to refrigerate your progesterone. 😀

Symptoms

I started the progesterone suppositories last night and it was interesting. It went fine, but I got very anxious right before. Very soon after I started feeling crampy, and that’s gotten worse today. I basically feel the way I do on my period. It’s really uncomfortable, makes me want to do nothing all day and the bad weather isn’t helping. I feel extremely overwhelmed with all the projects I have going on, and feel like it never stops. I really want a vacation.

About the crampy, period feeling – is that normal? Is that the progesterone?

3 days post

I just feel lonely. I wish I had a friend to complain about the 2ww (that literally only started today)… But the only person I know going through something similar is very closed, doesn’t like to talk about it or be reminded of it. So I don’t have anyone.

It’s just hard. I wish I had a group of people to vent with. I feel like these 2 weeks are going to go by very slowly.

2 days post ovidrel

So a number of things. This morning I’m thinking to myself that I don’t feel anything. Being me, I search the depths of the internet about whether ovidrel can not work and that maybe it’s just not gonna happen for me. Fast forward to now. I’m sitting on the couch nauseous in a lot of pain on my left side (where the largest follicle was) at the point where I’d rather not speak or move more than I have to. Fine, it’s bad but it’s bearable, mainly if it’s worth it in the end. Butttt – the other thing that’s circling my mind…

Now this may be TMI for some prudes, but I don’t care. I need to be able to get this all out.

I didn’t really get when we were supposed to BD after the ovidrel shot. So from my point of view, more is just better. I recognize that I’ve been driving poor hubs insane about it. We had a lot of BDing the past few days (although the last time before today was yesterday around noon). Today, arguably the most important day, we’ve slacked off. We BD at like 11am but (and maybe this is my anxious self) I felt like there just wasn’t a lot of good stuff up in me after. So in my mind we didn’t even really do it. J says I’m insane. He had an event tonight and had to leave. Right before I made him try, being all anxious and rushing to go, it didn’t exactly go very smoothly and so at one point he’s just like I have to leave, we’ll try again later.

So here I am, alone, in pain, nauseous, on the couch. Worried that it’ll be our own fault if this doesn’t work.

Day after Ovidrel

I’m so jumpy and excited! Finally triggered. I’m so nervous, I want to make sure we do it enough times, I’m so nervous about missing ovulation. I’m driving J up a wall. Ahhhh. I’m getting too excited. I need to calm down.

We got J’s sperm results today and they look great. That was awesome news.

I can’t focus on anything else. How do I balance staying hopeful without going overboard, because I think I’m on that edge. Eeeek